War Machine Has Malfunctioned

I don’t know about you but when I hear the name War Machine I think about the Iron Man movies. Well, Apparently this is also the name of a UFC fighter who didn’t want to save the world. Instead he used his powers to a little more than handsy with his girlfriend.

Jonathan Paul Koppenhaver (better known by his octagon name “War Machine”) was born on November 30, 1981 in Simi Valley, California. In August of 2000 Mr. Machine majored in Biology at The Citadel in South Carolina. That journey did not last too long though as he was expelled for “poor behavior”.

In 2008 after a dispute over his well known nickname. Mr. War Machine legally changed his name from Jonathan Koppenhaver to……well……War Machine (crazy, right?)

In War Machine’s UFC debut he beat Jared Rollins via K.O in the third round of the match. Don’t blink because you just might miss this robots UFC career. After making lewd comments about the death of fellow fighter Evan Tanner Mr. Machine was released from the UFC (He also refused a match and was just a butt).

He was picked up by Bellator Fighting Championships but was shortly released after he made vicious comments about president Barack Obama on his MySpace page……yup, his MYSPACE page.

In 2009 he started doing independent promotions and just so we can get to the juicy stuff faster all I’m gonna say about that is well, it was short lived.

On October 31st (my favorite holiday) of that same year Mr. Machine announced that he would be pursuing a career in adult films. I wonder if he had a porn name or just went by War Machine (but I digress)?

He starred in 12 adult films between 2009 and 2010. In 2014 he met fellow porn star and future girlfriend Christy Mack.

OK, now that the scene has been set let’s get down to the nitty gritty. On February 28, 2008 War Machine was sentenced to three years probation and 30 days of community service for attacking and choking out a man in 2007. In February of the following year he plead guilty to a another charge of assault and was sentenced to probation. In August 2011 Mr. Machine was sentenced to a year in jail after being charged with assault after being involved in a fight at a Pacific Beach and Point Loma bar. I am noticing a trend here, maybe he is going to turn a new leaf! Yeah, and maybe I will wake up with a million bucks.

On August 8, 2014 War Machine beat his ex-girlfriend Christy Mack so severely that that she suffered from 18 broken bones, a broken nose, missing teeth, a fractured rib and a ruptured liver (she ended up spending a week in a local hospital). Mr. Machine finally went to trial in February of 2017 after having his case postponed two previous times.

On March 20, 2017, he was convicted on 29 felony counts, some of which were; kidnapping and sexual assault with a weapon. The jury deadlocked on the two counts of attempted murder charges.

On June 5, 2017, Johnny War Machine was sentenced to life in prison with the possibility of parole after serving 36 years. On October 14, 2014 an officer doing his nightly rounds found War Machine nearly unresponsive in his jail cell. He had a torn piece of linen tied around his neck with the other end tied around the leg of his bunk bed, according to the officer he had been struggling to breathe. The officer was able to cut off the linen and Mr. Machine was stabilized within 15 minutes of being discovered. He was transferred to a medical ward and put on suicide watch (they found a suicide note on his bed). War Machine maintained a prison blog the first time he had been locked up. On his blog, War Machine claimed that “The oppression of MEN is worse than oppression of Jews in Nazi Germany, worse than the slavery of Blacks in early America”. Alright, this dude is just nut sack crazy, off his damn rocker! In July of 2018 War Machine got engaged to Ashley Farrington after she began writing to him in prison.

Well folks, there you have it the horrible story of the man who was formerly known as Johnathan Koppenhaver. According to his shirt he thinks he does “alpha male shit”. That is a big negative buddy.


War Machine Former MMA Star – RollingStone Magazine

War Machine, MMA Fighter Page – Tapology

Midnight Mania! – MMA Mania



  1. Honestly I don’t know much about UFC, MMA and name of fighters. I must say that you truly have to be a nutcase to get involved with this sport. This article just validated my way of thinking about this brutal sport.
    Fascinating article. Great job as usual.

    Liked by 1 person

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